Cringe! We all know the feeling. Your shoulders tense, your stomach tightens, your face twitches, and you cover your eyes to make it go away.
Few emotions manifest in such a physical way. But what is teeth grinding? Other people make us cringe, sure, but why is cringing at ourselves worse? And could this uncomfortable feeling be good for us?
Ask Taylor Swift. In May, while receiving an honorary doctorate from New York University, the singer gave a speech to the class of 2022 and took the opportunity to address this issue.
“Learn to live with the grimace,” the 32-year-old singer advised the hordes of hats. “No matter how hard you try to avoid being cringe, you will look back on your life and cringe in retrospect. Teeth grinding is inevitable in life.
Turns out it’s not just TayTay’s songs that tell the truth. Psychologist Dr. Tara Quinn-Cirillo talks to us about the psychology of teeth grinding — and how to work on the feeling so it doesn’t limit you, but actually helps you get to know yourself better.
Why is teeth grinding a natural feeling – and what causes it?
“Technically, ‘grinding your teeth’ is not a clinical term,” says Dr Quinn-Cirillo — rather, it’s a word we recognize and use to describe “physiological and emotional responses to awkward or embarrassing situations.” .
What causes teeth grinding can be internal or external, “to be embarrassed by your behavior or that of another, disgusted by something you have seen or heard, ashamed of a past behavior or appearance or a particular topic that you are not comfortable with, such as intimacy or physical illness/injury. »
It’s actually normal for people’s emotional reactions to manifest in physical ways – and in the case of grimacing, there’s a particular reason.
“It’s basically ‘stepping away’ from the topic or situation you’re going through,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “In many situations we cannot physically pull away or withdraw and the cringe descriptor is a good way to show how we want in our response! »
How can you address embarrassment in the moment?
The physiological and cognitive responses associated with discomfort are linked to the essential functions of our body. “Our body produces adrenaline when we are in situations that we perceive as threatening. This triggers a myriad of physical sensations that we often interpret as ‘bad’ and try to avoid at all costs, such as rapid heartbeat, sweating and flushing,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo.
However, it’s our interpretation of those responses that risks causing a cycle of embarrassment, when those cringe-inducing feelings reappear 10 minutes, 10 months, or even 10 years later, she says. And we can actually handle embarrassment better both in real time – and after the fact.
“Try to notice when your mind sends you ‘judgmental’ thoughts about how your behavior may be perceived by others. We can easily lose the ‘facts’ of the situation and see it as much worse than it really is,” says Dr Quinn-Cirillo.
“As much as possible, try to carry on in a situation where things may not go as planned, try to remember why you are there in the first place and what values lead you to be in this situation. »
It could be a social occasion with people you like or want to get to know, for example, or public speaking that will further your career. “Acknowledge how you feel, what physical sensations you experience, notice how you behave or feel like you behave as a result of these symptoms, like wanting to leave the room, speaking more quickly,” she says.
“Try inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth to slow down your breathing, try grounding exercises like naming some things you can see or hear around you. Maybe even make a joke of it if you can. This can often help those around you know how to handle the situation too.
Why does embarrassment sometimes repeat itself on us?
We all feel awkward in the moment and know those feelings will pass. But the cringe that Taylor Swift talks about is embarrassment to ourselves — and that may be harder to change.
“It’s important to avoid ‘fighting’ with difficult thoughts and feelings that arise when we think about a situation that has caused embarrassment,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “We may become hypervigilant to such feelings, bodily sensations and accompanying thoughts, such as feeling hot and blushing, sweating or breathing more rapidly, thinking that people are laughing at us or judging us in some way or other. another one.
“This can then create a new vicious cycle where we deliberately avoid situations or even leave situations if we start noticing these symptoms appearing. We may even continue to develop life rules such as “I always embarrass myself” or “People think I’m an idiot.” This can then impact our mood, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Remember that we are all human beings, says Dr. Quinn Cirillo. “Sometimes we may behave in a way that doesn’t match our perception or our personal expectations of how we should act in a given situation. If the result is also unwanted attention, it can lead to more pronounced feelings of embarrassment.
As Swift says, “We are guided by our gut instincts, our intuition, our desires and our fears, our scars and our dreams. And you’ll screw it up sometimes. Me too. And when I do, you will most likely read about it on the Internet.
Does the current climate increase our exposure to cringe?
There are several reasons why grimacing seems more common than ever. First, the pandemic has impacted our emotional and physical well-being, says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “Many report feeling tired, which can lead to increased levels of low mood and anxiety. These, in turn, can increase your hyper-alertness.
Add to that the fact that so much of our lives are shared online, she says, and we’re becoming increasingly aware of things that can cause us to be negatively evaluated or judged — that includes past posts about social media or the images of our “old” selves that we might even want to forget.
“For some people, their self-esteem may be tied to their current selves,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “The rise of the digital age may mean that our past selves will remain in plain sight. It may not allow us the previously “natural” transition we go through in life. Especially for young adults.
Again, Swift knows this. “Being publicly humiliated over and over again at a young age was excruciatingly painful,” she told NYU graduates. “But it forced me to devalue the ridiculous notion of social relevance and ever-fluctuating minute-by-minute likability. »
She even got to crack a joke: “Getting canceled on the internet and almost losing my career gave me an excellent knowledge of all types of wine.
So how do we build a better relationship with our past?
Swift’s ultimate message in that graduation speech was to make peace with your past and be kinder to yourself when you were younger. Of course, that’s easier said than done. “Things from our past can have a bad habit of sneaking up on us and influencing our behavior in the present moment,” says Dr. Quinn Cirilo.
“Our brains are primed to ‘store’ memories or events where we may have experienced a real or perceived threat. This can include physical and emotional/psychological threat. Unfortunately, in similar situations in the past, our brain is ready to arm us with this knowledge because it thinks it protects us from repeating behaviors that previously had negative consequences.
She adds, “It can be difficult to embrace elements of your past that are associated with distress. However, if we can learn to “lean into” our emotional responses and memories and make room for the fact that our past experiences often play a crucial role in shaping our adult selves.
Ask yourself: what lessons have you learned? How can these help you navigate your life now? And if grimacing seems debilitating to you, don’t forget Dr. Quinn-Cirillo and Taylor Swift’s tips for breathing. “As long as we have the chance to breathe, we will inhale, inhale deeply, exhale,” the singer said. “And I’m a doctor now, so I know how breathing works. »